MaxiMe: Donald Trump
Toadies-in-Chief: JD Vance, Marco Rubio (NB: In the end, there can be only one)
Secretary of Manly Prancing: Pete Hegseath
Director of National Stupidity: Bill Pulte
Eminence Grise: Stephen Miller
Patient Zero: RFK Jr.
Barely Useful Idiot: Kash Patel
Press Here: Katherine Leavitt
Chief Heddahopperin: Laura Loomer
Not the Wartime Consigliere: Ivanka Trump
Ambassador to the Courts of Lost Causes: Jared Kushner
Cryptonomicanoe and Bagman Too: Elon Musk (ret.)
Vanilla Ice: Markwayne Mullin