Rush Limbaugh Eaten by Feral Children

If a just and merciful God actually ruled our modest corner of the universe, this might well be the last headline in the last newspaper before the world’s presses are shut down forever. The justice of it is obvious. Having devoted the last twenty years of his pitiful life to a self-indulgent campaign against the very foundations of human civilization, it’s only fitting that His Obesity should be compelled to prove the last full measure of his devotion to the cause. The mercy, of course, comes at the end, in the blessed silence which descends on us as his bones are being picked clean, and we’re at long last left alone in the ruins to ponder our own collusion in his ascendancy.

Whatever you may hear about our essential Godlessness, never doubt for a moment that we secular humanists have our own vision of End Times. It may not be as emotionally satisfying as the one being marketed by our fundamentalist Christian brethren, but unlike them, we have actual evidence to offer for ours: here, here, and here.

So, while Rush blames the decline and fall of the American empire on negroes and homosexuals, on feminazis and San Franciso liberals and socialists, and anoints himself with Wal*Mart oil in anticipation of being crowned our first Social Darwinist emperor, I like to imagine him subbing for Montgomery Clift in the climactic scene of Suddenly Last Summer. (Tennessee Williams may have been abhorrent to Real Americans, but he more or less wrote the book on many of our latter-day hypocrisies.)

I plead guilty to a lack of charity toward Mr. Limbaugh, but if we really are destined to face the Four Horsemen in the not-too-distant future, it would be a lot easier for me to greet them with bread and salt if I knew that he’d already gone to his reward. Mea Culpa.

12 thoughts on “Rush Limbaugh Eaten by Feral Children

  1. LWM August 5, 2009 / 2:23 pm

    Hello WT.

    I’m still here but I am having some technical difficulties.

    No time to even read or write you an e-mail.

    That’s a lie. I just don’t have much to say about anything right now. Something is moving and I’m stalking it.

    • William Timberman August 5, 2009 / 5:16 pm

      I know the feeling. As you can see by the gaps between posts, I’ve been somewhat lacking in inspiration myself lately. I’m working on something that I can’t seem to finish — maybe because I’m not sure what I really think?

      Blogging is an easy enough thing to get started on, but to do it right, you have to be indefatigable. I think I’m better suited to quill-penned Letters from Abroad than CNN-style 24/7/365 opinionating.

  2. Karen M August 6, 2009 / 9:00 am

    I don’t think it’s humanly possible for anyone to be 100% charitable. Everyone needs someone on whom to project the very worst of society’s ills. As far as I’m concerned, Limbaugh is welcome to be one of those scapegoats.

    Nice twist on Swift’s modest proposal, William!

    I have to give Bob Herbert credit for his indictment of the military on its inability/unwillingness to prosecute rapists. Few men in positions like his are willing to speak out so openly about that topic.

    • William Timberman August 6, 2009 / 9:33 am

      Military culture has always been a horror story, as I unfortunately found out by growing up in it. I have a friend who does family counseling for the DOD — travels from post to post, trying to help vets and their families cope with the stresses of repeated deployments. The very fact that his job exists means that the Pentagon is worried, but apparently not worried enough to actually let him do that job.

      He told me that he’s been advised that merely mentioning PTSD in a report will be enough to get him put on a plane home. Also, everything he does tends to be undone by company first sergeants who rigorously mock his clients for even seeking help. He has more luck with the wives and girlfriends, of course, but it’s an uphill battle.

      He tells me that he despairs of doing any good; I tell him that I admire him for trying. More support from public figures like Herbert would help, but as you say, it’s rare. Our imperial mythology blinds and deafens people. Very few of them understand what support the troops would actually require from us. It’s a pity in the Aristotelian sense — the more you know about it, the more unbearable it becomes.

      • Karen M August 6, 2009 / 6:04 pm

        Ditto. I grew up in it, too, though I was probably not affected by it in the same way you were, given my gender.

        Your friend does deserve a lot of credit for even trying to do that job. Whether or not he is allowed to do it properly, he may still be a comfort to some of the wives and daughters.

  3. Jim White August 6, 2009 / 2:14 pm

    Hi, WT.

    A little birdie told me about your new blog.

    I’m afraid I have very bad news for you on today’s topic. I just drove by one of these billboards today:

    That’s right, the National Black Rebpublican Association has purchased billboards telling us that Rush Limbaugh is saving the soul of America. I’ve tried several times to count the tragic number of levels of irony in this act, but I just get lost in depression every time. So, while Rush is blaming the decline and fall of the American empire on negroes, a very deluded subgroup is telling us that he is in fact saving the soul of America.

    Help! I’m getting dizzy…

    • William Timberman August 6, 2009 / 4:17 pm

      Welcome, Jim. Thanks for dropping by. This isn’t irony, it’s the opening of the Seventh Seal. Time to gather up the classics, and head for a cave somewhere.

  4. Karen M August 6, 2009 / 6:03 pm

    FYI… many of the classics are now available online as mp3 files (or other formats) at Reading-aloud to knit by… in my case.

    For the first time since they were invented, I can actually envision myself with an iPod.

    • William Timberman August 6, 2009 / 6:44 pm

      Oh, they’re absolutely indispensable, believe me. Mine is an iPhone, but an iPod would do just as well. Not only do I listen to Amy Goodman and Bill Moyers via podcast, but I’m also re-reading Moby Dick, keeping my grocery list, and using it as the timer for my washer and dryer (they’re in the garage, so I can’t hear them buzz at the end of the cycle.) I have one of those speaker things that it plugs into, so it also serves as my stereo.

      Do get one. You won’t regret it.

      • Karen M August 10, 2009 / 8:01 am

        My problem is with the darn ear buds. I hate having anything stuck in my ears. I need to find out if there are any more comfortable ones available. I might be able to bear them then.

      • cocktailhag August 15, 2009 / 10:32 am

        I can’t stand those things… people ambling along in a fog, and won’t get out of my way.

  5. Dr. Bata (Rick Sr.) August 19, 2009 / 9:00 am

    You have a real gift my friend. And that is not just the in-law in me speaking…

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