1. Some people have no right to exist.
2. Other people have a right to exist, but all their other rights are contingent upon the good will of the Republican Party. (See attached appendix no. 1 for a currently-approved list of other people.)
3. Women have no rights that a white man is obliged to respect.
4. After January 20, 2025, all books published or distributed to anyone in the United States under the age of 40 will require the nihil obstat of the Republican Party.
5. Immigrants are filthy scum, and they’re illegal too.
6. All history not approved by the Republican Party is bunk.
7. Scientific theories are theories. Republican assertions about the irrelevance of science are fact.
8. America is a Christian Republic. No ifs, no ands, no buts.
9. All lives matter. (This means white lives, police lives, heterosexual male lives, and the lives of those who haven’t yet been suspected of thought crimes by Tucker Carlson, Sean Hannity, Donald Trump Jr., or the governors of Florida, Texas, or Mississippi.)
10. Vladimir Putin has never accused a Republican of racism, and supports the death penalty for homosexuals. Therefore all aid to the Ukraine must cease immediately.
11. All Democrats are satanic, communistic pedophiles who hate America and want to take away our personal machine guns, mortars, and armored vehicles.
12. Freedom means a) not being vaccinated, b) not wearing a mask, c) riding a Harley without a helmet, d) not paying taxes, and e) calling people you don’t approve of any kind of names you feel like. All other definitions of freedom are the inventions of a woke conspiracy supported by funds from George Soros.
13. This platform will be updated whenever the Republican Party finds someone new to hate, some new apostasy to reject, or some new way to cosset our precious billionaires. (See attached appendix no. 2 for a currently-approved list of precious billionaires.)
14. We know where you live.