Punishments To Fit the Crime

Donald Trump: Strip him of his iPhone, his Secret Service protection and all his assets. Dress him in overalls and a court-mandated ankle bracelet. Give him a bible, a bullhorn, and a family-size bottle of Oxycontin. Order him to remain within the city limits of Bluefield, West Virginia for the rest of his life.

John Bolton: Equip him with an M4, a Ka-Bar, a pair of camouflage cargo pants, and a Rambo wig. Parachute him at midnight into the outskirts of Teheran or Aleppo or Pyongyang.

Betsy DeVos: Require that henceforth everyone who performs a service for her, from plumbing to asset management to sex, be educated exclusively at the University of Phoenix.

Stephen Miller: Confiscate his passport and deny him access to currency or credit of any kind. Require him to choose between being chased barefoot across rural Mississippi for the next 20 years by mounted prison guards and bloodhounds or speaking only Spanish for the rest of his life. Depending on which he chooses, make sure he wakes up outside the Parchman Farm perimeter fence, or in the center of Tegucigalpa.

Mitch McConnell: Confiscate his principal residence in Kentucky under federal asset forfeiture laws. Provide him with a new principal residence in the Fillmore District of San Francisco. Require him henceforth to run for the Senate from California.

Dick Cheney: Waterboarding, I think. No less than 183 times. Then, if he survives, Guantanamo for, oh, I don’t know how long. Until the last of the other detainees is released, maybe. Let me think about it.

Sean Hannity: Arrange (through the customary diplomatic channels) a papal order of excommunication. Deliver him, bound and gagged, to the leadership of Opus Dei. Invite them, as true servants of the Living God, and of Holy Mother Church, to perform the first auto da fé in almost 200 years.

6 thoughts on “Punishments To Fit the Crime

  1. bystander July 29, 2019 / 7:35 am

    There are no words to communicate how deeply I support this. You are, potentially, kinder than me. I wouldn’t need to think about Dick Cheney.

    • William Timberman July 29, 2019 / 7:59 am

      Epiphenomena. Manifestations of a much deeper, and much older evil, one that, like it or not, is part of our common heritage. Doesn’t mean they don’t deserve a far worse fate than they’re likely to suffer, of course. It’s just that every time I propose one, I feel a shadow pass over my grave.

  2. Pedinska July 29, 2019 / 7:42 am

    Brilliant! Now, please take requests:

    Sarah Sanders
    Bret Kavanaugh

    p.s to bystander: I’d make Cheney go hunting with a dozen leftwing lawyers who heavily participate in antifa in their spare time.

    • William Timberman July 29, 2019 / 8:19 am

      Tempting, Pediska, but if I didn’t stop somewhere, the work might go on forever. Even without our own beloved American contributions, it’s a very long list: Boris Johnson, Marine Le Pen, Björn Hocke, Mario Salvini, Viktor Orbán, Sebastian Kurz, Vladimir Putin, Mateusz Morawiecki, Recep Erdoğan, Jair Bolsonaro, Rodrigo Duterte, Kim Jong Un, Lee Hsien Loong, etc.

      P.S.: Somehow managed to leave out Xi Jinping, Narendra Modi, Benjamin Netanyahu, Bashar al-Assad, Mohammad bin Salman, Abdel Fattah el-Sisi, and the Mullahs of the Islamic Republic of Iran. Never mind the tyrants of assorted Stans, the leaders of the Taliban and ISIS, and who knows how many minor players worldwide who see that the dirty work goes on uninterrupted no matter what claims the political system makes for itself. (See what I mean? Even the simple cataloging of all this is a hopeless task.)

  3. Stephen Williamson August 5, 2019 / 6:03 pm

    Do them all andmore but stick to the living.

    • William Timberman August 5, 2019 / 6:13 pm

      Did somebody die, and I missed the hallelujah chorus? As far as I know, at the time this was posted, all the villains mentioned were still alive and about their evil ways — although with DIck Cheney, who could really tell…?

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